Half Way

Two weeks later and I've had one more treatment bringing me to the half way mark. I want to feel excited and on the count down. But I feel discouraged and scared. I have been having some more intense stomach side effects, so have been feeling even more run down and more tough days lately. So I wonder if the next few months will be filled with rest and television rather than the life changing I was dreaming of in the last post. And so maybe I need to surrender to the process and be gentle with myself. And that is probably true. I keep being encouraged by Cyndi to start businesses and projects and I feel uncertainty brew like all the old times. Fear ad self doubt. But I also feel the pull of surrender. And maybe this is one of my life lessons - knowing when to dig in and push and knowing when to surrender. I feel like I could use more of both. I remember in college being creative all the time. Loving thinking about projects. Taking on more then was necessary in many classes. But I also needed the push of a class and deadlines to make it happen. On my own over the years I haven't proven to be as active. And maybe it is fear driving the lazier version of myself. But then I think about all the time I dreamed of being a mom and being home for my kids and playing and baking and being with them. And I haven't always surrendered to that dream completely either because I feel the nag of needing to be busier and providing more income for the family and making something of myself. So I am in this constant vortex of noncommittal energy. I have been there for a while. And I feel like it is still continuing now. Now when I should feel the raw sense of being alive and know what is important and what my next moves are. But here again I tread water. And maybe I'll be in the same place when it's all over that I started in. And then what's it all for? Or maybe it's not for anything and it just happened.