This is it

Cancer. It feels like a "this is it" diagnosis. Life or death. Now or never. It is completely confusing and unimaginable and yet with it comes a kind of clarity. Sometimes. This is the moment you have to choose to live or die on your own terms. To finally do and say all the things you've never dared to do or put off for a rainy day. The rainy day might not come. This is it. And even though there are so many great things - people, love, accomplishments, life - what has been missing? What can't you live without if you die tomorrow. Don't get me wrong, I have two little girls. I don't plan on going anywhere for a long time. And statistically with Hodgkin's Lymphoma I have a very good chance of living a very long life. But now there is a what if where there hadn't been one before. A life changer, they say. But change it how?